“Should I Leave My Ex Alone Or Keep Trying To Get Him Back?” (2023)

“Should I Leave My Ex Alone Or Keep Trying To Get Him Back?” (1)

A reader asks if she should stop trying to get her ex back.


About 7 months ago, my ex (2 year relationship) broke up with me out of the blue, saying he needs to fix his job situation before he can be fully present in a relationship.

I didn’t understand why he wanted to break up when he said it and still don’t. I was completely blind-sighted. He was never mean to me and didn’t really give me any other reason for the breakup beside that. It’s like one day he just decided not to see me anymore even though he had seemed so in love with me even the weekend before that.

I’ve been hoping he would come back and want me back, but I’ve been at a loss. I’ve tried calling, writing him messages, explaining how good we were together and he just seems embarrassed. At first he responded which made me feel hopeful, but now he’s blocked me online and doesn’t respond anymore.

Should I leave my ex alone or keep trying to make him understand how good we were together? I still love him and want him back.

I’m so sorry. Nothing hurts quite like a good relationship ending abruptly without really understanding why.

I wish I didn’t know what it felt like to get dumped this way.

Anyhow, you mentioned all of this effort that you’re going through to convince your ex to revisit the relationship.

Now, effort, logic and reason are really common strategies people use when they want their ex back, but it does not work and here’s why:

(Video) Should I Leave Him Alone Or Keep Trying | Two Reason To Give Your Ex Boyfriend Space

People make decisions emotionally and then use logic to justify them.

That’s why all the logic in the world won’t make your ex have a feeling except annoyance that you keep tryingto change their mind.

Positive emotional response is what any ex needs to be magnetized toward you.

He has to feel like he misses your energy, not that your energy is angry and trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

This is why when people go it alone to get their ex back, they usually try to do it backwards and then wonder if they should give up.

Since they think the relationship was worth doing and already have their own logical reasons in place for wanting to save the relationship, they appeal to their ex in a logical way like a lawyer making a case.

The problem is that your ex already justified their decision to dump you using their own emotion —> logic cycle.

For your relationship to get to a crisis point, your ex felt bad (for whatever reason— maybe you, maybe something else in their life) and then attached their feelings to SOMETHING (in this case, you) and decided to get rid of that thing that was the supposed cause of that emotion.

They might have told themselves that they would come back to you later or that once they “sorted everything out” then things would work out with you.

The unconscious dream was to dump you and prance happily off into the sunset, having gotten rid of all of the negativity in their life which was dragging them down.

Your ex decided that the best way to feel better (at least right now) would be to say goodbye to you. And that stings no matter what the circumstances.

Now, I didn’t major in mind-reading in college— I majored in psychology which is the closest you can get. I don’t know what your ex is thinking right now. But, when you leave a relationship because you are unhappy, for better or worse, you take yourself with you.

When you appeal to your ex using logic, you’re fighting directly with the logic that they used to get to the idea that they should leave you. You’re essentially disagreeing with them.

And when you share your disagreement with their decisions, they have no choice but to fight back. Their ego can’t bend over and let you run the show.

Even if your ex magically thinks you are right that the relationship was good —deep down— they can NOT show it right now since their ego won’t allow it.

They’ll simply use their feelings of being disagreed with (see where I’m going here) to come up with even more logical reasons that you are not right for them.

(Video) Will He Come Back If He Told Me To Leave Him Alone?

Humans approve of people who agree with them because the ego likes agreement.

When you disagree with your ex, you’re risking your exe’s disapproval which solidifies their position against you and makes them feel even worse. And the worse you make someone feel, the greater the lengths that they’ll go to get rid of you.

So if logic and reason don’t work to get your ex back, what works?

Making your ex feel something positive toward you.

Even the most unemotional, detached ex will care about breaking up with someone they loved.

Even if they TOLD YOU they don’t care.

Even if they were super mean to you during the breakup.

Even if they act cold and distant and unavailable before and after the breakup.

Even if they blocked you on Facebook, Instagram and every other block-able place in the social media world (actually, what they do on social media is irrelevant, it’s as difficult to read as tea leaves).

Now, making them feel something is going through the back door. They don’t expect that their own feelings will change on them.

So, how do you make your ex feel something positive toward you?

The absolute most effective way to make your ex miss you is to genuinely not want them at all.

Ever noticed how those people you don’t care about keep popping into your life?

The lack of wanting is super powerful and tells the universe that you’re perfectly okay as-is. When you want, all you get is more wanting.

(Video) #1 Weird Way to Get Him Back (or Get Over Him Faster) - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy

You can’t want something you already have.

When you wake up in the morning, you don’t anxiously worry about whether you’re going to have enough air, right?

And… air is a basic requirement for sustaining your life.

Without air, it’s all over in 5-7 minutes. Unless you’ve had a medical condition where you struggled to get air, you are probably usually blissfully unaware of air as a minimum requirement in your life.

But when your airway closes, you’d better believe you’re going to worry about air.

Relationships are similar.

People don’t worry about losing their relationship until something threatens it.

By the time they’re worrying about the threat, that anxious, needy, dependency energy of WANTING (them back, things to be better, more sex, more emotional fulfillment) kicks in and they are on the way to torpedoing the whole thing.

As much as I would like a unicorn and some magic beans, expecting you to actually just stop wanting your ex is an impossible thing for me to ask of you— especially when you’re heartbroken.

That’s why I can help you do the next best things to get your ex back.

1. Always be positive around your ex.

If they want to talk about the breakup, agree with them, be quiet and stop yourself from showing negative emotion.They can’t mirror your negativity if you don’t show them any.

This might sound manipulative, but it’s not meant in that spirit.

If you can avoid sharing your feelings with the waiter at dinner or the cashier at the market, you can avoid sharing your pain with your ex.

(Video) My Ex Says They Want Space or Time

2. Focus on yourself.

Use this pause in the action as an opportunity to make your own life as happy as humanly possible. Take your attention off of your ex and put it on yourself whenever you find yourself going into that negative, painful, “why don’t they want me?” wanting energy.

Making yourself truly happy without your ex will serve you well forever— whether your ex comes back or not.

Your happiness also gives your ex an opening to potentially fix whatever it is that they’re struggling with without your judgement, “help” or worrying about what you think. If they think you’re unhappy because they’re gone, it simply inspires them to feel guilty and stay away from you.

Now, let’s talk about how your ex is floundering in the “career and life purpose” department.

For men, this life purpose problem is a big deal. When men struggle with their life purpose, they HATE having women around watching them—whose respect they want.

It’s really embarrassing and painful for a man to lose your respect. Career and purpose are tender emotional territory for them. Men get a great deal of strokes from women from their place in the world.

So, when a man’s place feels shaky or uncertain or not the way he wants it to feel, he’s not going to be able to give to a relationship the way a woman wants since his ego is at risk.

A man can’t approach a woman on his knees, unless he’s proposing marriage.

When something’s wrong in a man’s world, it’s cocoon time.

Men will absolutely leave you to chase their own purpose. This tends to be the opposite of what women do, because we enjoy emotional support during our journey.

A man who already has a shaky relationship with his feelings might think that having a woman there to watch his struggle diminishes him, even though you may or may not actually understand or be critical of what he’s going through. It’s one of the times when a breakup truly isn’t all about you. That’s why it doesn’t matter what you are actually doing at all.

If he is struggling with respecting himself, he will struggle with loving you.

If he feels like he’s in the one-down position with you, he will not treat you or the relationship the way you would hope, because since he doesn’t feel good about himself, he can’t feel good about you either.

It sucks, and hurts, but since the only thing you have control over is yourself, take this time to make yourself the absolute best you can be— whether or not he eventually decides to get in touch.

So to answer your question, “should I leave my ex alone or keep trying to get him back?” Yes to both. But trying to get your ex back in this case is a complete lack of trying.


At what point should you give up on your ex? ›

Your ex has not responded to your last five attempts to start a conversation. They've been with someone new for longer than 8 months. You've been on a “hard block” for longer than 3 months. You have broken the no contact rule more than 8 times.

How much time should you give your ex before getting back together? ›

Breakups are hard, but even though it can feel like reaching back out to your ex will fix things, Brenner advises waiting a while before doing so — at least a couple of months. Until then, keep yourself occupied with friends, family, and activities, and know that this pain will eventually pass.

How do you test if your ex wants you back? ›

20 Signs Your Ex Wants You Back
  1. They Make Attempts To Stay In Touch. ...
  2. They Keep You Updated. ...
  3. They Get And Want To Make You Jealous. ...
  4. They Pretend That They Need Your Help. ...
  5. They Keep Bringing Up Your Memories Together. ...
  6. They Tell You How Far They Have Come. ...
  7. They Keep Checking With Mutual Friends About Your Well-being.
Dec 20, 2022

What should you not do to your ex? ›

So, before we act vulnerable after a breakup, check these 20 tips what not to do after a breakup.
  1. Don't contact your ex. ...
  2. Don't leave any communication open. ...
  3. Don't stalk their social media accounts. ...
  4. Don't remain friends on social media. ...
  5. Don't ask your mutual friends about your ex.
May 20, 2022

How long after no contact should I give up? ›

Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better. While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different.

How do I get my ex back without begging? ›

5 Ways to Get Your Ex Back—Without Looking Desperate
  1. Start Seeing Another Woman.
  2. Make Yourself Interesting Again.
  3. Get in the Best Shape of Your Life.
  4. Ask Her Out.
  5. Have the “I Want to Get Back Together” Conversation.

Does my ex miss me even though we don't talk? ›

Yes, an ex misses you during No Contact. They miss you because they no longer have what they used to have. Your ex misses you even though you don't talk because they have time to adjust to your absence. This will help them reflect and miss you more.

How do you make your ex want you back quickly? ›

Steps You Can Take & Things To Say To Get Your Ex Back
  1. Give Them Space. ...
  2. Apply the No Contact Rule (Yes, Even on Social Media) ...
  3. Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. ...
  4. Make Some Positive Changes in Your Appearance. ...
  5. Make Some Positive Changes in Your Mentality. ...
  6. Allow Yourself to Grieve for a While. ...
  7. Write a Journal.
Dec 2, 2021

How do you know if a breakup is temporary? ›

Here are some signs your breakup is temporary:
  1. You haven't moved on. ...
  2. You still hang out together. ...
  3. They've been sending you mixed messages. ...
  4. You're learning how to communicate with your ex. ...
  5. They reminisce with you. ...
  6. They reach out during trials. ...
  7. They ask about you through friends. ...
  8. You have both been working on your issues.
Jul 28, 2022

How do you know if a breakup is permanent? ›

8 Signs that Your Breakup is Permanent
  1. You feel better apart than you did together. ...
  2. Your friends and family haven't been the biggest fans of your ex. ...
  3. You've already moved onto someone else (or your ex has). ...
  4. Your relationship was short-lived. ...
  5. There is a clear misalignment of fundamental values and life goals.
Mar 3, 2020

How do you know if your ex regrets? ›

Here are some of the signs your ex regrets dumping you.
  1. They begin to communicate with you.
  2. They apologize for the breakup.
  3. They show more affection.
  4. They discuss issues in their present relationship.
  5. They try to atone for past mistakes.
  6. They show pessimism when you tell them someone else is involved.
  7. They stalk you.
Jul 8, 2022

How do you know if your ex wants you back but is scared? ›

One of the most obvious signs your ex wants you back but is scared is that she still talks to you. In some instances, if she were done with you, she wouldn't want anything else to do with you. On the other hand, if she is communicating with you, she doesn't want you out of her life.

How to make your ex miss you? ›

How To Make Your Ex Miss You After A Breakup
  1. Do Not Try To Contact Them. ...
  2. Do Not Receive Their Calls And Respond To Their Texts. ...
  3. Reinvent Yourself. ...
  4. Meet New People And Make New Friends. ...
  5. Talk To Their Friends. ...
  6. Check Out The Outside Dating World. ...
  7. Take A Vacation. ...
  8. Be Active On Social Media.
Dec 13, 2022

What are the chances of your ex wanting you back? ›

When you take those four legitimate studies and average them all together, you're looking at roughly 48.25% chance that your ex may want you back at some point in the future.

How do you not worry about what my ex is doing? ›

  1. Distract yourself so you're literally too busy to even think about them. ...
  2. Establish some boundaries with yourself. ...
  3. Give yourself some time to feel sad, or mad, or angry, or literally whatever. ...
  4. Understand that you may still have lingering feelings for this person, and that's okay. ...
  5. Indulge in alllll the self care.
Mar 23, 2021

How do you know if your ex isn't over you? ›

Signs to look out for:
  1. They're giving mixed signals.
  2. They blame you for the breakup.
  3. They're angry with you.
  4. They're keeping in touch with you.
  5. They flirt with you.
  6. They're bringing up memories.
  7. You still have some of their things.
  8. They're sabotaging you.
Jun 27, 2021

What he thinks when you don t contact him? ›

He could feel angry or upset.

He might think you're being rude or fake, and may even try to confront you about it or get a rebound girlfriend in response. Anger usually gives way to remorse after a few days or weeks and is a normal response to breakups or the silent treatment.

How do you know if he misses you without contact? ›

One of the signs a guy misses you is that he may take his attention to the online version of you. At this point, he would begin to like all your posts, comment on the places where he's sure you'd see them, and even checks out everything you post on your Instagram stories.

Will he come back to me after no contact? ›

Yes, they can. People find their way back to their ex if they realize how much they miss her. This may happen if you spend much time together during your dating phase. Also, if he keeps seeing something that reminds him of you, it may be hard to let go.

What is the hardest day of no contact? ›

What Is The Hardest Day Of No Contact? Immediately after you start it. Limited no contact breaks. The day/s where you aren't hearing from them.

How can I get my ex back successfully? ›

Better Together: 10 Tips For Getting Back with an Ex and Making...
  1. Take Time Before Reaching Out. ...
  2. Consider Why the Relationship Ended. ...
  3. Think About What Will Be Different This Time. ...
  4. Address the Breakup With Your Ex. ...
  5. Keep Your Friends and Family in the Loop. ...
  6. Put Yourself in Someone Else's Shoes. ...
  7. Have a Trial Period.
Sep 27, 2021

How do I initiate my ex back? ›

Steps for Getting Back With an Ex
  1. Take your time before reaching out.
  2. Think about what could have happened differently.
  3. Reach out to your ex.
  4. Discuss getting back together.
  5. Have a trial period.
  6. Ease back into the relationship.
7 days ago

Can an ex miss you but not want you back? ›

Someone can miss you but not actually want to get back together. They may think you're great, claim to be crazy about you, or miss the things that ensured they got their needs met, but they don't miss you that much.

How long does it take a guy to realize he misses you? ›

So, a few weeks to two months is the answer to the question, “How long does it take for a guy to miss you?” Typically, men realize what they lost when they can't find a woman with their personality. By then, they learn not all women are the same, and they shouldn't have broken off the relationship.

Will he miss me if I leave him alone? ›

If you are asking, “Will he miss me if I leave him alone?” the answer is that he certainly can't miss you if you aren't gone and that if you are gone, human nature says that he will miss you. That is the simple and complex way to make your ex miss you.

How do I make him reconsider my break up? ›

Talk during a stress-free time.

Try to talk after dinner or while you two are on a walk. Say something like, “I know you've been talking about breaking up a lot lately, but I still want this relationship. I love you and hope you'll reconsider.” If you can't talk during a stress-free time, be as calm as possible.

How do you make your ex regret losing you? ›

If you've been dumped, it's natural to want to make him regret his decision.
How To Make Your Ex Regret Leaving You
  1. Follow the no-contact rule. ...
  2. Give him what he wants. ...
  3. Move on. ...
  4. Get strong again. ...
  5. Don't take him back.
Dec 18, 2022

What is the last stage of a breakup? ›

Even ifyou were the one who initiated the split, there are five stages ofgrief that you will go through. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, according to Mental-Health-Matters.

What silence does to an ex? ›

There is no easy way to deal with a breakup, but remaining silent actually speaks volumes to your ex. After all, actions speak louder than words! By staying silent, you're telling your ex that you're strong, resilient, and independent. You're relying on yourself — and no one else — for your own happiness.

Can a breakup hit you later? ›

While the stereotype is that a breakup hits men a lot later, emerging research conducted with 184,000 participants found that men seem to be more affected by the loss of a relationship.

Do relationship breaks end in breakups? ›

In the most fundamental sense, taking a break means that you and your partner haven't officially broken up, but you've decided to take some time off from each other and your relationship. It's also key to keep in mind that taking a break doesn't have to equal a breakup.

Can time apart help a relationship? ›

Taking time apart can allow you both to think about the issues in your relationship, cool off, learn new coping strategies, and come back together with a different lens or perspective that can be difficult to have when you're together and actively fighting through your issues.

Can breakups make a relationship stronger? ›

' Although ending a relationship can be painful, a separation can give a couple space to work on personal issues that have been harming the relationship. 'It can help individuals reassess their priorities, helping them to know more about what they would like to get out of a relationship,' says Fredrickson.

What will make a man regret losing you? ›

You want him to regret losing you, but the most important focus should be your own happiness. Go out and have fun! Don't worry about his feelings.
Treat yourself.
  • Try going on a trip or vacation alone. ...
  • Pamper yourself with self-care gifts. ...
  • Take yourself out – go to a bookstore, or dinner, or even a movie.

How do you know he regrets hurting? ›

13 Definite Signs He Regrets Hurting You

#1: He's Quieter Than Normal. #2: He Contacts You More Than Normal. #3: He's Extremely and Inexplicably Happy. #4: He Can't Stop Showing Up Where You Are.

How do you know your ex is thinking about you? ›

If your ex is trying to contact you, or maybe even trying to speak to you at weird hours, then it might be a sign they still think about you. Another big sign is social media. If they somehow didn't get rid of you via an unfriending or straight block, it might mean they miss you.

What not to do when your ex wants you back? ›

Don't rush into a response, friendship, or rebound.

No matter how you decide to approach the contact that's been made, don't rush things. You may very well end up back with this person, or at the very least good friends with them depending on how things go.

How do you act when you see your ex and want him back? ›

  1. Take a good look at yourself. ...
  2. Evaluate your current relationship sitch. ...
  3. Reflect on your relationship. ...
  4. Be realistic. ...
  5. Consider getting professional help. ...
  6. Give your (ex)partner actual space. ...
  7. Don't think of it as a competition. ...
  8. Hold back on the bad-mouthing.
May 11, 2022

How do you make ex miss you without talking to them? ›

The key to making an ex miss you without talking to him is… not trying too hard. All you really need to do is enact a no-contact rule and let the backwards law do its thing. You should focus on growing yourself as a person and that will give you the best chance of making your ex miss you.

How often do exes fall back in love? ›

Key points. Research finds that 40-50 percent of people have reunited with an ex to start a new relationship. On-again relationships tend to suffer lower relationship quality and worse functioning than never-broken relationships. People often resume relationships with ex-partners because of lingering feelings.

How long until ex comes back? ›

In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.” We're going show you how we came to this conclusion by drawing on our knowledge on, Attachment Styles.

How often do dumpers come back? ›

If you average all the reputable research on the ex recovery process and chances of getting your ex back, there's about a 43.5% chance your ex will come back without doing anything. Those aren't exactly betting odds. That means six out of ten times you're probably not going to get your ex back.

Should I just cut off my ex? ›

It can feel like an extreme move when you're still working to get over a breakup, but the truth is that cutting off contact with an ex is the fastest, most effective way to truly move on.

How do you fully let go of an ex for good? ›

5 Ways to Move on From an Ex You Still Love
  1. Cut off all communication (Both direct and indirect) For the sake of your physical and mental health, this is the first thing you've got to do. ...
  2. Forgive the past. ...
  3. Let's get real. ...
  4. Understand that it's natural to still love your ex. ...
  5. Don't forget to love you.
Jun 21, 2021

How long is normal to get over an ex? ›

When looking at the timeline of breakups, many sites refer to a “study” that's actually a consumer poll a market research company conducted on behalf of Yelp. The poll's results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.

How do you know if a guy is heartbroken? ›

If he avoids seeing you at all costs even though it is important, it is one of the signs he is heartbroken over you. He knows that when he sees you, the memories will come flooding, and it might be too much for him to handle. Also, he would ensure avoiding places where you are likely to show up.

How do you tell if a guy wants you to leave him alone? ›

14 Signs He Wants You to Leave Him Alone (with tips)
  1. A deep sense of disconnection. ...
  2. You're always initiating conversations. ...
  3. He tells you directly. ...
  4. He ignores texts/calls from you. ...
  5. Lack of vulnerability (from his end) ...
  6. Lack of sexual intimacy. ...
  7. He doesn't desire to be physically around you. ...
  8. You're excluded from his activities.
May 17, 2022

What are the signs that your ex is not over you? ›

  • They're outwardly angry with you. ...
  • They deny the breakup. ...
  • They're overly involved in your love life. ...
  • You're a regular subject of conversation or focus, even when you're not in the room. ...
  • They're trying too hard to be friends. ...
  • They ask for less meaningful things back.
Feb 18, 2022

When should you cut him off? ›

Signs that it's time to cut someone off
  1. You feel sad, depressed, or tired around this person.
  2. This person is stopping you from moving on.
  3. This person doesn't respect your boundaries.
  4. This person doesn't put in any effort.
  5. Clearly explain how you feel.
  6. Let them know you need to end the relationship, and leave it at that.
Apr 18, 2022

What no contact does to a man? ›

The male mind during no contact

The no-contact rule male psychology forces him to recognize his loneliness. After a breakup, if you stop contacting him, he will feel free and enjoy this phase as much as he can. But, with time, the loneliness and guilt pang will start to kick in.

Do guys care when you cut them off? ›

Getting cut off might make him look back at what he has lost with regret. He might start replaying events over in his mind. But think about what he should have done and said instead. If you have cut him off because of the way he acted, he might also feel guilt over hurting you.

How can I convince my ex to come back? ›

Steps You Can Take & Things To Say To Get Your Ex Back
  1. Give Them Space. ...
  2. Apply the No Contact Rule (Yes, Even on Social Media) ...
  3. Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. ...
  4. Make Some Positive Changes in Your Appearance. ...
  5. Make Some Positive Changes in Your Mentality.
Dec 2, 2021

How do I make my ex want me back for good? ›

So here's what you have to do:
  1. Don't contact your ex. your ex would think he/she is the best person for you. ...
  2. Don't post negativity on social media. ...
  3. Don't hurt yourself. ...
  4. Don't just get into relationships easily. ...
  5. Go out with friends and meet new people. ...
  6. Start doing something that's been on the Back burner. ...
  7. Take pictures.

Does my ex still think about me? ›

If your ex is trying to contact you, or maybe even trying to speak to you at weird hours, then it might be a sign they still think about you. Another big sign is social media. If they somehow didn't get rid of you via an unfriending or straight block, it might mean they miss you.

How long does it take a man to forget a woman? ›

How long does it take for a guy to forget? In some research studies, the time it takes to forget someone is around 11 weeks. In other studies, time to forget someone was much higher at around 18 months. Such differences clearly indicate that time taken to forget someone will vary based on various conditions.

How long does it take a man to come back? ›

How long do men take to come back after no contact? Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better. While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different.


1. Want to Get Over Your Ex OR Get Him Back? Don’t Do This… | Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy
(Matthew Hussey)
2. The BIG SIGNS You Should KEEP TRYING With Him | Matthew Hussey
(Matthew Hussey)
3. When You Shouldn't (and Should) Want Your Ex Back - Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy
(Matthew Hussey)
4. 7 Signs Your Breakup Is Temporary
(Brad Browning)
5. Begged and Pleaded With Your Ex Already? How to Salvage Your Situation!
(Brad Browning)
6. Why the F*%k Do Men Always Come Back?! | Matthew Hussey
(Matthew Hussey)


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